Understanding our Little Friends & Everyone Around Them

Justin

Justin is a three and half year old little boy who has sensory issues, is impulsive, and has difficulty regulating himself. For a little guy there is a lot going on that he does not know how to cope with just yet but he is learning.  Little things set him off. While some of the triggers that cause Justin to respond poorly may have been identified, there are remaining triggers that seem to surface sometimes and at the least predictable moments. When wooden block towers crash to the ground, the noise is too much for Justin.  Sometimes loud noises result in Justin running about shouting or hiding in the classroom beanbag.  When snack is served and there are foods with certain textures, such as crackers or carrots, the sensation is too much for Justin. Justin is now hungry and munching on a cracker causing him to feel distraught. When Justin sees a toy he wants, he develops laser beam focus on getting that toy. It may mean knocking over a classmate or snatching the toy out of a classmate’s hands, all of which results in immediate interaction with the teacher and the classmate. Justin does mean to be unkind, all he knew was that he wanted that toy. When a classmate wants an item Justin is holding, the thought of sharing it is too much for Justin and he may respond poorly.

Justin does not know how to initiate play with his friends nicely or calmly. Justin is working on this skill. He just barges in and begins to participate with great enthusiasm. In his enthusiasm, Justin may accidently knock something over. The teacher is then involved and Justin is made to stop playing for a moment. He has to use his words to say he is sorry and fix what he knocked over. This is very hard for Justin. He has some expressive language issues and his fine motor skills are weak. All Justin wanted was to play with friends; now doing so has become more challenging in an already frustrating world.

Justin’s Parents

When I enter pre-schools at morning drop-off, I can usually predict what parent has the child with the impulsivity and regulation issues. They are usually doing one of three things: 1) those parents are repeatedly asking their child to stop running around and to stop touching things they should not be touching, or physically preventing their child from pushing, hitting, or grabbing things from other children; 2) holding their crying child who still yells when mom or dad leaves them with the teacher; or 3) are exiting the building alone because no other parent will make small talk with them due to their child getting hit, pushed, or knocked over by the likes of Justin. 

Parents like Justin’s parents hear whispers of a birthday party their child wasn’t invited to. They see other children going home with some other mom for a much anticipated play date. Parents such as Justin’s parents extend play date invitations to other moms and children but they are frequently turned down. If a child does come for a play date, there usually is no second play date.

Justin’s parents want their child to be cooperative. They want their child to be happy! Parents with a child like Justin want their child to be liked, as well as know how to socialize and share. For some reason unbeknownst to them, their child is struggling. Their home life is a little stressed and they are actively seeking out answers nobody seems to have an answer to.

It hurts. They feel judged. They feel alone. These parents are trying their hardest with their “Justin” but this young child has stuff going on that takes them a little longer to cope with their out of control feelings.  The feelings of isolation and loneliness for both the child and the parent hurts.

Parents of Other Children

Parents of other children find themselves in a challenging parenting position. They want to teach their child to be kind and fair to all people. They want their child to be empathetic and express care for people who are different than them physically, socially, or emotionally. But a child like Justin has pushed or hit their own child one too many times and they now feel a need to physically and emotionally protect their own child. These parents want to send their child to pre-school where their child will sing, play, and learn. However, when one too many reports about a child like Justin starts coming home, the safe haven they carefully selected as their child’s first experience in education, becomes concerning.

To help their child be safe, these parents may tell their child to, ‘find someone else to play with’, or ‘if Justin takes something from you, tell the teacher right away’ instead of encouraging their children to use their words to work through the situation. These parents tell their child this so their child won’t get hurt. You can’t blame them. Everyone wants their child to be safe.

When these parents express concern for their child’s well being the teacher often tells them, everything is under control and they are addressing the issue. This response doesn’t make these parents feel better.

These parents find it difficult to navigate such situations. They want to teach their child empathy, care, concern, and how to share, but at the same time they are over powered with the need for their child to be safe and cared for while away from them.

Other Children in the Class

During the pre-school years, small children are excited to go to school, play, learn, and please adults. The values of sharing, being kind, using their words to work out tough situations, being good listeners, and making friends are very important to little children. They are starting the process of separating from their parents and they need to feel safe in an environment to do so confidently. Pre-school is a warm, loving friendly place to do this safely.

When a young peer misbehaves or acts out, it is very impressionable to the other children. Their usually joyful, happy teachers suddenly become even more calm and becomes very serious while interceding in an issue a child (such as Justin) cannot handle on his own. And when the child at fault responds poorly: shouting, running, hitting, or pushing, this is very distressing behavior for the other children in the class. Big Boys and Big Girls don’t do that.

If Justin has hit, pushed, or grabbed a child in the class, this is distressing to the other child. The world is very black and white to small children: there are certain things that just are not allowed and there is no excuse for it to ever happen. Small children do not understand about developmental delays but they do understand and practice everything their parents have taught them: hitting and pushing is bad; sharing is good; use your words to work things out. Life is really that easy for them.

Kids like Justin are eye catching and concerning to other small children. They might get pushed by him for reasons they do not understand. He might run away from the teacher. To small children in pre-school, this behavior is not OK. They see it naughty.